The Things I Loved are Now Things I Want to Avoid

I wish that the things that are meant to be good for end up making me feel inadequate. I feel left out of activities that are supposed to make me happy. I decide to take my time away from studies and start typing.

Note: Names italicized are fake names to protect the identity of the person.

1) Capoeira

When I started doing capoeira 2 years ago, I love how I can simply set my stress and school mentality aside and just move. Thanks to my anxiety, that's not possible. I wish I don't have rushing thoughts of flashbacks. On the day of performing for our university culture festival, I was about to cry at least 3 times. Two before the show starts during last minute practice and one in the middle of our capoeira roda or circle. I guess my capoeira name does not fit me anymore.

2) Hanging Out with Friends

I remember posting on several questionaires that one of my favorite hobbies is hanging out with my friends. I can't say that anymore if they're annoying me and making me feel left out.
Last night, one of my friends wanted to come over to study with me and my roommates. I didn't want to be around her because she will bother me. Plus, I wanted alone time.

Everything was okay. I was looking up my criminal justice class notes while my roommate and friend were studying for their upcoming classes. After studying for a bit, we all hit Starbucks and head back to the apartment to study with our caffeine-loaded frappuccinos.

We went back to study mode in our respective study areas. I decided to go to sleep, but had some difficulties resting. Those negative thoughts started flashing, and I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't help but stay up crying for an hour in my bedroom while I hear the girls giggling and gossiping. (That chestnut praline frappuccino did not help at all.)
When I was upset one day, I recall that same friend who visited me telling me these words: "You now know who your true friends are." Do you know how many people used that very line and expect me to know who my true friends are?

3) Philosophy

A few months ago Dylan got me back to reading by introducing me to philosophy and psychology books, especially the ones from the clearance section at Half-Price Books. Not only were knowledge enticing, but the prices were too. After a fight with him two months ago, the whole subject of philosophy haunts me even today. I'm too scared to touch my newly bought philosophy books and wish not to open them.
I still have his book and wish to sell it. Or at least give it to my friend Sam who may need it more than I do. Ironic how the book is about positivity and how much I want to get rid of it that badly.

4) Sex

Yes, I said it. Sex is fun. Or at least was. I'm scared of being intimate and sharing myself with anyone. I don't want to pursue a relationship. I have to stop myself from continuing my sexual relations with my crush because I'm afraid I'm going to be very emotional with him, especially with a bunch of melodrama going on in my life. It got to the point when we had this conversation about cuddling. (Note: We're good friends. It's just that he's pretty sensitive about my feelings now.)

Crush: I want to cuddle.
Me: Hey, I'm here. We can cuddle if you want.
Crush: I'm worried about you. I don't want you to cry when I hold you.

Even a simple embrace may trigger strong emotions. And not positive ones.

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